The first time I went to see a therapist I was in my second year in college.
Looking back, it was ground zero for getting over my shit.
I thought I was incredible.
I didn’t even know I had shit.
But since I was crying (a lot), couldn’t sleep (at all), I thought I’d give it a go.
The only person who knew about my fall into the icky world of therapy was my best friend, Fi. It was her idea. (Best idea ever).
It was so embarrassing.
In the student health waiting room, there were two doors: One to see a doctor or nurse and the other (gulp)…
To help get me to a session, Trisha the Therapist smoothed the way by letting me pretend I was going to see a doctor, and then I would snake around the corridor to her office.
In one of my secret sessions,
I told her how it was.
After more searching questions from Trisha,
I realized that going to parties is not compulsory.
If I had a deep desire to chill that coincided with a party that someone else wanted me to go to, I just could not fathom that it was ok to say no.
It took me a surprisingly long time to get this.
Also, it’s just the teensiest bit arrogant to think others won’t be fine!
It’s almost funny now, looking back. Except that it wasn’t.
Not following the cues to rest stops you from tapping into what fills you up. It doesn’t give you time to replenish energetically. And it for sure stops you from getting to know the part of you that knows everything will be okay, no matter what.
When we’re rushing around all the time, trying to please everyone, thinking we always have to be the funny girl at the party (or the dependable girl, or the “good friend”), we can’t feel our okayness.
Little by little, through having downtime, I discovered things that gave me pleasure.
And while I wish I’d known sooner, I am grateful to know now.
I told a friend recently that I used to have trouble saying no. She thought it was hilarious; she couldn’t imagine it.
The truth is, I still have many of the same thoughts about not letting people down, but now, on some occasions (not always), it’s easier to set them aside and graciously say no when that feels like the best thing to do.
Sometimes it’s not even a case of saying no. Sometimes, it’s just noticing the spaces as they arise, and resisting my mind’s desire to keep doing things.
Talk very soon,
Lisa
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